The absurdity of perfection
We were weeks out from teaching, and yet I kept hearing that terrible voice at the back of my head repeating a mantra that was oddly the 8mile prelude; If you had one shot or one opportunity To seize everything you ever wanted Would you capture it, or just let it slip? I could be perceived as an extrovert and someone who isn’t fussed with people or speaking, but that nagging thought of how Im simply not enough debilitates me to the point that my words don’t make sense. I was barely good enough of a student to undertake the teacher training, so how in the world could I ever be good enough to start in front of a class to teach? In a separate chat with Jessica, she reminded me that messages from the universe comes to you in many forms – some in music, some in art, and sometimes, they come in the form of people. Time and time again, Ive been told to take a step back and to understand why it was so important for me to be perfect to begin with, was it needed to get me to the end line. In all honesty, speaking in front of people I don’t quite know still scares the living daylights out of me, but I think teaching scares me the most because firstly, I love yoga a little too much in my own way, and I truly want to share the joys of the practice which has enriched my life in so many ways. I guess it’s okay to be scared, it reminds me that I still care. Easier said than done but as I looked over my goals, I realized that I have made progress. Not as quickly as I wanted to, but it still counts! For the first time, I actually believed that I did enough! It’s one thing to say ‘I applaud all my little accomplishments’, it’s a completely different thing for me to actually believe I deserve praise even if I don’t reach my lofty goals. And for the first time, I truly believed what I did was enough. It’s a beautiful feeling. Nurul 200 Hour YTT Feb-May’21
Week 6: Midpoint check in
How time flies, we’ve already completed half of our YTT. It got me reflecting on what I had intended to achieve from this YTT, and what I am currently experiencing/feeling as I am halfway through. For the past 2+ years when I was seriously contemplating to do a YTT, my main objective was to improve my practice as I had observed other friends who had gone through YTT and drew a conclusion that a YTT could be helpful for me. I felt compelled to know how to improve and access more poses for which my progress had been stagnant, as I was still very tight in many parts of my body. At the same time, I felt intimidated that because I was unable to access many poses, it would not be ‘becoming’ if I were to be licensed to teach but not be exemplary of a yoga teacher (which in my mind at that time was, and maybe still a teeny bit now, being able to do all the fancy poses). The only thing I thought I could contribute as a prospective teacher was advising on gentle stretches or ‘rehab’ poses to those who need it. I am so glad I decided to take the leap after consulting a few certified friends. After Week 1, just after learning the breakdown of sun salutations, I was 100% certain that I made the right decision. Fast forward 6 weeks, I am intrigued by the things that we have been learning, and I feel excited that I am improving in my practice, be it in terms of keeping a still mind, physical practice or understanding the body. The difference from my original intention and what I have been inspired by through the course of 6 weeks is that I realize I enjoy lesson planning. We have been learning the art and science of lesson planning, broken down into different aspects and considerations such as joint movements, muscle engagements, preparatory poses, lesson structure, just to name a few. From a student’s perspective, one would never have imagined that so much goes on behind planning a good lesson. Every movement and every part of the lesson is with intent, not for the sake of ‘exercising’ or simply getting the heart rate up. I have also been inspired through Jess’ words, that a yoga teacher does not need to be able to do every single pose, but needs to understand what is good for each student, and what is needed for every unique body. Now, I have changed my aspirations slightly – besides improving my understanding of yoga for my own practice, I hope to be able to teach and let others experience the benefits of yoga as I have. Michelle Cheung 200 Hour YTT Feb-May’21
The Hardest Thing to Do is to Do Nothing
Last week, I caught the flu. It started on Tuesday and I thought that I’d be able to fully recover by Friday, therefore still being able to attend class over the weekend. The days passed and I had recovered mostly, but not fully. I hated that feeling – not so much the feeling of being physically weak (although that was bad too) but the feeling of admitting to myself that I needed more rest. Still, I so badly didn’t want to miss out on class. I thought maybe I could show up anyway but take it easy during asana practice while keeping my mask on, and then sitting at the back of class during theory. That still wouldn’t have been very socially responsible of me, and I knew that if I did show up to class, a shadow of guilt would haunt me. So I ended up missing a weekend of YTT at it was literally one of the most torturous things I’ve ever had the displeasure of experiencing. My classmates did provide some comfort by assuring me that they’d share their notes with me and explain whatever they learned in class, but it was still a heartache to miss the experience of class myself. At home through the week, I rested as much as I could so that I’d recover as quickly as possible. I was a total woozy sloth the whole time but also, I was itching to move. I missed moving so much. Every time I get the flu, I realize how much I take for granted the little things in life. We never usually appreciate the magical feeling of effortlessly breathing through both nostrils at the same time until this happens. That being said, forcing myself not to practice yoga until I was fully recovered felt like being in a straitjacket, but I knew I just had to do it to avoid any other consequences that would delay my practice. So, all I could do was meditate and even then, I would fall asleep. This weekend was a truly test of my mental strength and control of impulses which thankfully is a huge aspect of yoga – one that we rarely focus on when we get carried away by the excitement of asana practice. This reminded me of something we learnt on the first day of class: who knew it would be so difficult to sit still? Raemier 200 Hour YTT Feb-May’21
“Chakrasana” (supine)
I have a flat back in my spine and I learnt that deep backbending should be avoided. Honestly, this saddens me deeply, akin to how I felt when the doctor disallowed me from running few years ago when I tore my meniscus in the knee. I never knew I have a flat back that is not safe for deep backbending. Backbends have been in my practice since primary school when I was in the dance group. I still remember doing a drop back into a wheel pose was nothing difficult when I was in that age. The beauty of backbending poses in yoga always amazes me. But I had to stop my backbending practise sometime last year after I tore my intercostal muscles. Subconsciously I developed a phobia of going into deep backbending. My intercostal muscles snapped after a few rounds of tripod headstand with some backbend dropbacks in between. The crucial thing was, I did not do any counterposes after the backbend practice and went into tripod headstand straightaway, which has certainly overloaded my spine. It was negligence on my part and I learnt my lesson well. The pain from the injury was excruciating during the initial months, before I gradually returned to my yoga practice. But I have since then avoided poses relating to deep backbending and tripod headstand, only till few months ago I decided to pick myself up from where I fell. Then the knowledge of my flat back set in.. Should I be deterred by this? Even in class when students with flat back or lodiosis were discouraged to do a wheel pose, I had to resist very much the wishes of my usual practice. Through YTT, I have learnt to become more aware of the limitations of my body, and also the inclination of my mind about the practice. But the dilemma sets in when what I hope to achieve is made challenging with the limitations of my body. Evette 200 Hour YTT Feb-May’21
Asana breakthroughs
One of my motivations for YTT was to deepen my yoga practice, and hopefully achieve some breakthroughs. As we come to the end of YTT, I wanted to document some of my personal breakthroughs: – Better balance in one-legged standing poses: I’ve always been shaky in holding these poses (part of the reason why I prefer Flow to Hatha classes in the past), but practice makes perfect, especially after doing 3x standing sequences each weekend – Side crow to EPK1 to Fallen Angel: first time attempting Fallen Angel, and also first time stringing the three poses together – Astravakrasana, transition to a plank: when we first learnt this, I was not strong enough to fully straight my elbows to create space for the bottom leg, let alone go into chaturanga arms to bring the leg back. Was pleasantly surprised when I executed it smoothly (almost sufficient to go into a EPK2) when I was mock teaching my sequence ahead of the community classes. – EPK2: has never been able to float my back leg, I think due to weight distribution (not leaning forward enough) and not having my elbow supporting the side of the torso. Figured this out in time to include it as part of my community class! – Fish: realised that I have not been able to do this as I did not lean back enough and was having my shoulders almost above my elbows. – Pincha mayurasana: learnt the proper setup, technique and drill exercises for what I find the hardest amongst all inversions (besides chinstand, which I’ve not tried before). Still working on that balance without the wall and keeping a straight line without banana back – Bunny hops and handstands: did not spend much time on these before YTT, and was quite pleased to be able to hold these for 2-3 seconds without the wall. Looking forward to being able to do this for outdoor photo-opp moments! Nge Hwee 200 Hour YTT Feb-May’21
Letting go of expectations
We often come to the mat for practice and set expectations for ourselves which are oftentimes unnecessary and sometimes unrealistic. This was especially so during our inversion practices in our YTT classes, where I would look over to my classmates and think to myself – why can’t I do the same? But comparisons bring us nowhere and we truly have to let our egos go in the process. True enough, when I allowed myself to do that, I started to be more grateful for the progress, no matter how little, that my body showed. And somehow things seem to come more easily to me as I celebrated the small achievements as I let go of any expectations for myself. Emilyn 200 Hour YTT Feb-May’21
Practicing Ahimsa Toward Self
“Whats the worst that can happen? You die?” Ive always found it funny, placing things I fear or find extremely uncomfortable in the same frame of mind as death. Almost like a way to laugh at the hard truth of life rather than be overwhelmed by it. That being said, many times, friends and family shudder calling me out for being extremely cynical or nihilistic. A sad outburst of an excuse to give up. Growing up, my parents were adamant about every utterance being a dua, a prayer that somehow went from one’s mouth to God’s ears. That is God had ears, or any form of humanistic quality. And this utterance, was apparently my cry out to Death itself. Highly overdramatic. And yet, the statement was not entirely false. It comprised of a half-truth and also a full truth, but one that serves to obscure from the reality of life rather than clarify. Yes, we will find ourselves grasping our last few breaths, but it is not truly, the worst thing that could happen, right? To me, death is not a failure or a the moment for finality, but rather a necessary part of the life cycle of being incarnate. Life (and living in its glory) is not separate from death (and perhaps, the trail of sorrow it leaves behind). Its part of a continuous mysterious experience of redemption and renewal, and the vastness of what else might be out there. The utterance itself might have stemmed to provide me comfort and certainty in a possible outcome, and yet, in stating it out, was I violating my mind and pushing it to make sense of such a macabre reality. The way we schedule our time, push our bodies, and compare and judge ourselves against others, and feed ourselves these stories, are we repeatedly creating an inner environment that is filled with violence? If we saw someone saying the things we say to ourselves out loud, would we not be quick to call out such behavior. Yet when these same painful sensory experiences arise in reaction to your own thoughts or actions, we fail to recognize your behavior as violent. One of the yamas, or moral restraints, in Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra is ahimsa, the practice of nonviolence, and this includes nonviolence toward yourself. Of course, you may well want something in your life so much that you are willing to take a chance of hurting your body by driving it too hard. But usually a conscious, short- term exertion to reach a goal is not what causes violence to self. More often it is a matter of long-term disregard of the signals of imbalance. This disregard comes from repeatedly getting so caught in wanting or fearful mind- states that you’re unable to reflect on your own behavior. You may have a surface- level awareness of the distress you are feeling in your body, but you don’t sincerely respond to the discomfort. In the past few weeks, with the pursuit of being my absolute best at work, being healthy and YTT, Ive been fully disregarding all signs to how noisy my thoughts are and how overcommitted Ive been in my activities. Violence against self through the body can also occur in situations where you are taking deliberate care of your body, such as in doing yoga. How many times in a yoga class do you get lost in your desire to get a pose right and actually add tension and stress to the body rather than listening to the limits of your body? It is good to hold a pose longer or to work to get more lift in a pincha, but not if you tense or harden the body as part of the effort. Your face should stay relaxed, and breath be free of any holding. Even more importantly, the mind needs to stay soft and gentle; my teachers often describes the act of practicing kindness to your body. Practicing yoga in this manner can help you learn how to release the tendency toward violence to yourself in the rest of your life. The next time you’re yoga class, if you don’t observe and work with all of the emotions and moods that arise, you are missing half the value. Watch yourself the next time you go to class: Do you get angry at your body? Do you unload with the frustrations of your day and then expect it to do what you want? See for yourself how every strong emotion; from frustration and fear to longing; is felt in the body as tension, pressure etc. In turn, each of these bodily sensations can be released through the yoga, which will free the body from violence and usually quiets the mind. Once you learn to do this in yoga class you can utilize this awareness; at work, at uncomfortable situations, or in moments of fear. Nonviolence to self is a lifetime practice of which there are ever more subtle levels to discover. The more you are able to be with yourself in a nonviolent way, the less harm you will do to another. Be gentle with the body and mind; refuse to get caught in believing that things have to be a certain way in order for you to be happy. At some point each day, softly close your eyes, relax your shoulders, let your mind settle on the breath without trying to control it. In the ensuing quietness, see for yourself how mysterious life is. Be comfortable in the uncertainty of it all, and dont feel the need to brush it off with an utterance that perpetuates the fear under the guise of humour. Maybe the next time, Im scared out of my mind and worried about what might come next; I should go, “Whats the worst that can happen? I dont really need to know.” Nurul 200 Hour YTT Feb-May’21
Patience
21 Mar 2021 – Week 5 Week five passed so quickly, more challenging poses were given. We went through regression and progression. Sore and bruises were part and parcel of the learning process. Being not so strong physically, I have to put in more effort and time to build up my strength, learn to be patient before I can progress further. Progress takes time. Lianny 200 Hour YTT Feb-May’21
YTT Week 1: Finding (Im)balance
As someone with scoliosis (double curvature – 42 degrees & 40 degrees), I am very familiar with the visible imbalance that it has resulted in; a very major hump on my right upper back. When I was 18, I was advised by a specialist to undergo surgery to straighten my spine by half the curvature. While the benefits (less visible hump on my back and gaining about 5cm in height) were ever so tempting for a body-conscious 18 year old, I made the practical decision to pass on the surgery as I wanted to remain active in sports. I would later thank myself for making this decision as I took up pole dancing several years later and ended up loving it tremendously. This would not have been possible had I opted for the surgery to have a nicer body. Apart from the structural imbalance, the muscular imbalance in my upper body is also very visible. My right arm, shoulder and upper back are significantly more muscular than my left because I am a right-hander and I execute most pole tricks on my right side predominantly. Prior to starting YTT at The Yoga Mandala, I had to go for a scoliosis review to ensure that it would be safe for me to attend the course. Even though the specialist assessed that YTT would not be an issue given my condition, my X-ray revealed that my upper curvature had progressed over the years when it should have remained stagnant for most people. If my condition continued to worsen, I would probably have to undergo surgery this time round, which got me really worried as it means that I would have to give up on pole dancing, and likely yoga as well. Getting to know that our YTT instructor Jessica had a similar scoliosis condition and managed to correct it to a large extent with the help of yoga gave me new insight into what yoga is capable of. More importantly, it gave me hope; hope that my condition can be stabilized or even improved, hope that I wouldn’t need to be faced with the devastation of having to give up my passion because of surgery. During the first lesson of YTT, Jessica told me that my ultimate aim was to strengthen the parts of my back that were lacking so that they can pull the spine back towards midline and hold it in place. As we sat down for meditation that morning, she corrected my posture and alignment, and I was to maintain it till the end of meditation. I was pretty confident that meditation would be a breeze; afterall it was just sitting there doing nothing but breathing. I was even worried that I might drift off while meditating as I’m not one to sit still. However, no more than 10 breaths in and I stand corrected. It started off with some discomfort creeping in at the inner region of my right scapula and left lower back. By the end of meditation, I was absolutely dying as the slight discomfort had progressed to a tiny pinch, and on to a full-blown muscle ache, and all just from staying seated in a different posture. Jessica explained that the areas where we experienced aches were parts that had too much muscles and that we should work on the weaker side to balance them out. I learnt the importance of finding balance in my body. But to work towards achieving balance, I first needed to really get to know my own body and identify the imbalances – some known, others newly discovered, and still more to uncover. And thus, I set off on my journey of self-discovery, and hopefully eventual transformation. Melissa 200 Hour YTT Feb-May’21
Week 4 – Shoulder & Chest Opening and Daily Habits
I have struggled for a long time with chest or shoulder opening poses, as these areas are very tight for me and I believe that it would only take me daily, religious and diligent stretching to get them to open up. One of my resolutions (even before YTT) is to open up this area so that I can access many more poses, the obvious being backbends. But my previous view on progress was a little too organic, i.e. if I go for a backbend class then yay good for me, otherwise I would rarely stretch out on my own at home. The one thing that struck me the most was during our self introduction when I mentioned to Jess about my tight shoulders. She said that we should also practice yoga off the mat, such as the way we sit. There I was hugging my knees close to my chest, with a rounded back. I have been hunching my whole life! When I was about 10 years old, my piano teacher told me to stop sitting like a prawn. After decades of hunching, it is no surprise that my shoulders are tight and even though I have been practising yoga often enough (not particularly focusing on shoulder opening), it takes me a very long time to gain small improvement. This bad habit is finally biting me back after so many years in the form of punishment of No Access To Backbends. I can never straighten my arms into a nice Urdhva Dhanurasana (Upward Bow) 🙁 it looks more like a reverse tabletop. Since that day (it’s been less than a month), I am consciously trying not to hunch, especially at work when that keyboard and laptop screen are magnets for my shoulders to hunch forward. Perhaps the unintended effect of this is looking more confident with my chest out. Fast forward 4 weeks, and we’re learning Pincha Mayurasana (Forearm Stand). Oh the excitement of inverting! I have been trying this pose more seriously since 2017 or 2018 maybe? But I never really had much attention or tips on it previously, and I didn’t chase the pose that much either. It was only in 2019 when I started going to inversion classes and received more guidance. One would think that inversions like Pincha Mayurasana or handstands require mainly strong arms and core, or just being strong in general, but it is also extremely important to have open shoulders and chest to be able to achieve the correct and safe alignment for the shoulders and elbows. During the drills, it was very obvious to me (and everyone) that my tight shoulders/upper back are my limiting factor. I do not consider myself strong in my core but just enough to hold myself upside down; but it’s the tight shoulders that make it extremely difficult for me to push my chest back especially in L-shaped handstand/forearm stand. While I am still recovering from the sore upper back from Sunday’s practice, I am making a point to myself to do shoulder/chest opening poses more diligently and often from now on. No pain no gain!!! Some chest and shoulder opening poses are: Urdhva Hastasana (Raised Hands Pose) Virabhadrasana I (Warrior 1) Utkatasana (Chair) Gomukasana (Cow Face Pose) Any pose with hands clasped behind the back (e.g. Prasarita Padottasana C, Humble Warrior), also serves as a counter stretch Thread the Needle Pose Dolphin Pose (Ardha Pincha Mayurasana) Puppy Pose (Uttana Shishosana) Michelle Cheung 200 Hour YTT Feb-May’21
